God Bless The Yankees

In a new measure of ridiculous scoundrelism parading as patriotism, Yankee Stadium has gone above and beyond the call of duty by forcibly ejecting a man trying to go to the restroom during the recitation of “God Bless America.” The tradition, which dates as far back as 2002, apparently allows an NYPD officer to physically assault you if you move from your seat during the song, as Bradford Campeau-Laurion found out. During the seventh inning stretch, the beloved song is played and CHAINS ARE USED to discourage patrons from moving. When Mr. Laurion tried to leave his seat to relieve himself during the song, an officer forcibly restrained him and told him to go sit down. If, the officer said, he didn’t like it, he could “get the Hell out of my country.” Explaining that, you know, he really had to go, Laurion found his arm wrenched behind his back, and was ejected form the game.

 

Once again, I have to play the confused one. This whole situation is wrong on more levels than I can name. But, damned if I’m not going to try.

 

Let’s first talk about the illegality of restraining patrons. I can count at least three constitutional liberties that infringes upon. I’d be God-damned if I went to Wal-Mart and was locked into the yogurt isle until the Taylor Swift song was over on the Muzak. Is this a case by case basis? What about pregnant women? Men whose wives are in labor? Vomiting? Explosive diarrhea? A business has no right to physically restrain a patron for anything less than safety reasons. Laurion wasn’t trying to stick his hand in the deep-fryer, or jump from his balcony seat, he was trying not to piss himself. Let’s not forget, also, that chaining people to their seats is a severe – what’s the phrase? – FIRE HAZARD. Jesus, the level of stupidity is mind boggling. Aside from all this, did no one think that there might be a better way to discourage distraction from the song than tackling your own patrons? That’s poor customer service, my friend. I know I’d never go to Shoe Carnival again if were assaulted by the manager and chained to one of those little benches with the mirrors.

 

I won’t invoke the whole “Freedom of Speech” thing the Lefty is so fond of quoting. I’m all for Tasering the testicles of anyone singing “God Bless my Underwear,” but there should be no harassing of anyone who decides not to participate and respectfully use the restroom. If you don’t want people to move, how about making an announcement before the seventh inning stretch asking that if people need to go, go now. That’s not hard. The height of douche-baggery is to presume that you have the right to hard someone for not liking your song. There are places where they do that. China. Iran. Pakistan.

 

Not in America. You don’t like it? Get the Hell out of my country.