I Hate My Life And Want to Die

No, really. I do. I’m not just some douche bag who says it because quoting Kurt Cobain sounds cool, I fucking wish I was dead. The world would be a better place without me. The only one who would care that I’m gone is my mother. But not for long. She barely knows I’m here. My kids would mourn me, but that’s only because they’re not old enough to know me for who I really am. So, what’s stopping me? Insurance. Suicide voids my life insurance. I’m worth a thousand times more to my kids dead than alive, and I can’t even give that to them. I am a useless fucking nothing.  I know no one will ever read this, but if you do, for some ungodly reason, fucking shoot me. Seriously. Shoot me in the fucking head. You’d be doing the world a favor. My wife would be free of me, and she would be able to pay off the house. At least then one good thing would have come from my existence. And all it took was ending it.

Pigs and Lipstick

Obsession.

 

There is no other word for it. I am obsessed with Sarah Palin. Not in a good way, a la “Say Anything.” Oh, no. You’ll never see me outside the Alaskan gubernatorial mansion, boom box lifted high, playing Peter Gabriel. No, Palin is the metal sliver under my fingernail that I can’t get at. That crick in my neck that won’t go away. She’s the smell in my car that might be a rotting turkey sandwich, but I don’t know, and it won’t go away no matter how many air fresheners I hang from my mirror.

 

At first it began as a professional hate. A hate of ideals. Like Rush Limbaugh. I hate everything that man stands for, but I can’t say that I hate him. Maybe I do. That Al Frankin book was pretty funny, but the truth of the matter is that the impression I get is that he’s just a nice, misguided man. Not so with Palin. The more that woman talks, the more I want to punch her pretty face. When she said the difference between a pit bull and a hockey-mom was lipstick, I think she was spot on. The woman is mean, spiteful, ugly, crass and viscous, with a bark like a jet engine.

 

She has started attacks of character that McCain said he would never start, and with good reason. Besides the severe hatefulness behind then, most of them are blatantly not true. Why are we still talking about William Ayers? Why are we still talking about Jeremiah Wright? And why aren’t reporters allowed into her town-hall meetings?

 

If we are to judge candidates by every association they have had, McCain would be in prison. But at least he recognizes the silliness of guilt by association. McCain’s attacks are attacks of record, and are legitimate. McCain has been more likely to work with Democrats in the Senate than Republicans. He can prove his record of bipartisanship, while Obama cannot. This is a valid attack of character, and while it does little to further the issues, it has truth behind, and little spite. Not so, Mrs. Pit-bull. She’s just a fuckin’ bitch. And why no reporters? They may write negative things. No shit. That’s the answer. Let me explain something: there is no liberal media. If negative things are being written about you, you fucking deserve them. Especially when negative things are all you’re saying. “Hello, Kettle? This is the Pot…You’re black, asshole!”

 

And something else I don’t get…56% of Republican women say that mothers should stay at home with children; that it’s detrimental to society for a mother to work. Yet they praise her strength of character, while Michelle Obama is derided for quitting her six-figure job to spend more time with her kids. Give it up. Wipe that lipstick off, and show us your true face.

Damn the Man, Save the Empire!

All I’ve been hearing about lately is this whole economy thing. Apparently there’s been some trouble? People keep blaming this organization or that bank, or the President or the head of the SEC…and while there’s plenty of blame for all of them (though no consequences, apparently), the real culprits are you and me. But, Erik, how do you figure? I’m glad you asked.

 

I’m no economics major (oh, wait…yes I am), but it breaks down into several key steps. The first is the banking deregulation at the end of the Clinton administration. It’s easy to say “Aha!” and lay it all at the feet of this one act, but the truth – admittedly arguably – was that this was some well needed easing on restrictions that kept many Americans from home-ownership, and banks from the ability to expand. The problem is that it wasn’t followed up on. It was Clinton’s last year, and I suppose it could be said that the Bush administration had other things on its mind. But the reality is that the need to keep tabs on this was like a grown man needing someone to make sure he doesn’t stick his hand in a bonfire. In other words, the financial institutions should have known better.

 

Americans became overly dependent on credit in the last two decades. I can count myself in that group, as I lost my first house because I’m an idiot. As lending institutions lessened restrictions and more and more Americans were getting credit, the scarcity of homes increased. With homes more scarce, the value of homes also increased. So every year, Americans who couldn’t afford it were taking out more and more in loans from banks which knew the loans had a great chance of default. That sounds smart, yes?

 

Enter the brokerages. These companies bought mortgages from smaller banks, and used them in mutual funds. Sounds like a good deal, right? The value of homes always goes up, right? So why not invest in a fund with a guaranteed rate? The brokerages then took the investors’ money and bought more of these “sub-prime” mortgages. You see how this is playing out? Now, not only do we have homeowners who can’t afford their homes, but millions of people riding their retirements on you making your house payment. All of these things, however, were not enough to start the disaster we are seeing, today. The straw that broke the lender’s back? Oil.

 

When oil prices started to increase, it took inflation with it. Fuel, well, fuels the economy. At first, it was isolated effects; people who were already struggling to make ends meet couldn’t keep up, and many lost their homes. Higher gas prices led to higher food prices. Higher food prices led to less people eating out, closing many mid-priced restaurants, resulting in lost jobs. Restaurant jobs are unique in that they allow uneducated workers, with a female majority, to earn well above the minimum wage, via tipping. A large, single-parent demographic began loosing their homes. American car makers, long dependent on the large truck/SUV market, saw sales plummet as buyers demanded cars with better fuel economy. Lots full of vehicles went unsold, as small foreign cars took the market. Thousands of auto workers, used to $28 an hour, saw their wages cut in half, and jobs eliminated. The economy was now in a tailspin; as the housing bubble bust, banks were left with homes they couldn’t sell; investors sold off stock in the banks, as the value of subprime mutual funds crashed. Millions of Americans are left holding their dicks, and what does the federal government want to do? Reward the banks that took high risk loans while raping the little guy. The stockholders and fund-holders get nothing.

 

There are many alternatives to the proposed bailout. One idea is for the government to take control of some mortgage-backed securities -- most likely by buying them from financial firms -- and then work to restructure the underlying loans into something homeowners could afford. The value of the securities, both those bought by the government and those in private hands, could improve as foreclosures and late payments drop. If so, financial firms holding mortgage-backed securities could see a recovery in their balance sheets. Other plans include eliminating the capital gains tax to boost securities on Wall Street, and using the Treasury as a hedge fund, loaning to banks at reasonable interest rates, instead of outright buying the shitty securities of the banks.

 

According to Lawrence Summers, former Treasury secretary, the government might have to try multiple approaches. "If you have hypertension, you're way overweight and you're in the process of having a heart attack, what's your most fundamental problem? It's really not that useful to distinguish between them," Summers said at a Brookings Institute forum. "They're all components of the situation, and you're not going to get to a very satisfactory place unless you address all of them. That's how I think of our financial reality right now."

 

The real tragedy is that this could, and should, have been stopped at any point along this procession. But the blame lies with us. For too long Americans have lived to excess, buying gas guzzling cars and over-sized homes with loans we couldn’t afford. Sure the outline above is way oversimplified, but the bottom line is that we need to be better consumers, and cut our dependence on credit as we cut our dependence on oil. Not to sound preachy, as I struggle to make my mortgage payment by working 70+ hours a week, but perhaps we should redefine progress to mean that just because we can do a thing, it does not necessarily follow that we must do that thing.

 

And yes…I totally stole that from Star Trek.

 

 

Inspirations

Now You've Got Something to Die For

Now you've got something to die for.
Infidel, Imperial
Lust for blood, a blind crusade
Apocalyptic, we count the days.
Bombs to set the people free, blood to feed the dollar tree
Flags for coffins on the screen, oil for the machine
Army of the liberation, gunpoint indoctrination
The fires of sedition
Fulfill the prophecy.
Now you've got something to die for.
Send the children to the fire, sons and daughters stack the pyre
Stoke the flame of the empire, live to lie another day
Face of hypocrisy, raping democracy
Apocalyptic, we count the days.
We'll never get out of this hole until we've dug our own grave
And drug the rest down with us, the burning home of the brave
Burn.
Now you've got something to die for.

Vigil

Our father thy will be done.
I have denied this life its worth
I will not be the victim.
Sickness to you my master
Here's to getting worse
Hope it kills you faster.
Show me how it hurts to rot from the inside out.
This vigil burns
Until the day our fires overtake you.
Our father we forsake you.
Blessed be his name
Nothing now the same.
Ask me why I hate
Why I've prayed to see the nation that I loved disintegrate
And gladly give my life
That revolution regenerates.
In honor of the strife of those who've died
In generations before for your blood stained glory
I reject you
I deny you
I defy you to continue.
Smite the shepherd and the sheep will be scattered.

written by Blythe, Morton, Adler, Campbell, Adler
(c) 2004 Sony/ATV Songs LLC / Subtle Arts of Publishing (BMI).
All rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing,
8 Music Square West, Nashville, TN 37203. 
All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission.

Fair and Balanced

Someone said recently that I may have been being too harsh on the Republicans. It has been suggested that I am furthering some political agenda by bashing the Right over the Left. The fact of the matter is that, simply, the Republicans are being a-holes.

 

At least in a more overt and public manner than the Dems.

 

I don’t begrudge anyone a political view. Being an independent is almost blasphemous in this day and age. I have views that fall on both the conservative and progressive side of the fence. In this heated “us vs. them” atmosphere, not choosing a side is a sin. Well, I take a radical view: I don’t pick sides. I pick issues, and I pick candidates. John McCain seems like a man of great integrity. I don’t for a second think he is running for president for glorification. I think he cares, and I think he would make a good president. I think that way of many Republicans; Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, Pete Hoekstra, Colin Powell, to name just a very few. But if you’re going to be a hypocrite, a liar, a hate monger or an all-out douche-bag, I’m going to call you on it.

 

I’m lookin’ at you, Palin.

 

There have been so many cases of corruption in the Republican party that you would think people would be running from the banner, instead of hiding behind it. Sure, the Democrats have Eliot Spitzer to be ashamed of, but the GOP has so many more. Larry Craig, head of the Senate Ethics committee, arrested for soliciting men’s room sex. Hypocrisy? You betcha. How ‘bout an ‘ethics reformer’ who fired the State safety commissioner because he wouldn’t fire her ex-brother-in-law during her sister’s custody battle? That’s the woman running for the V.P. office. “Troopergate,” as it has ridiculously become to be called, is the best example of jack-assery I can think of. The Palin gubernatorial administration gave written agreement to testify in the investigation. “Hold me accountable,” were her exact words. Now she, her husband, and several members of her staff are choosing to ignore subpoenas. Not without precedent. Bush officials have been ignoring them for years. Even Bush’s aids have been told to ignore them. Scooter Libby, Andrew Card, Karl Rove…no legal action will be brought against them. Anyone else in this country would be arrested. It’s a travesty. Now our Veep hopeful is starting before she even gets in office. And no one will do a thing about it.

 

Even McCain is getting in on the fun. The tenor of attack ads by the Obama camp is that John is out of touch, and his policies not appropriate for a president, today. I wouldn’t call that overly harsh. I wish the McCain camp did battle that way. Instead, the ads are blatant attacks of character, most of them so obviously untrue as to be insulting. Even Karl Rove has said that “McCain has gone, in some of his ads, similarly [one] step too far in sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the 100% truth test." Dude. Karl Rove just called you a liar. That’s like the devil calling you an evil son-of-a-bitch. Or Dom Deluise calling me fat.

 

So don’t tell me I’m giving the Republicans a hard time. They should be giving themselves a hard time, calling out the bad seeds among them, and culling them. If they want to cement a permanent conservative majority, they need to stick to the values they run on, like ethics, morals, freedom and justice. Because ignoring them only makes them look bad, even when we know they all aren’t.

God Bless The Yankees

In a new measure of ridiculous scoundrelism parading as patriotism, Yankee Stadium has gone above and beyond the call of duty by forcibly ejecting a man trying to go to the restroom during the recitation of “God Bless America.” The tradition, which dates as far back as 2002, apparently allows an NYPD officer to physically assault you if you move from your seat during the song, as Bradford Campeau-Laurion found out. During the seventh inning stretch, the beloved song is played and CHAINS ARE USED to discourage patrons from moving. When Mr. Laurion tried to leave his seat to relieve himself during the song, an officer forcibly restrained him and told him to go sit down. If, the officer said, he didn’t like it, he could “get the Hell out of my country.” Explaining that, you know, he really had to go, Laurion found his arm wrenched behind his back, and was ejected form the game.

 

Once again, I have to play the confused one. This whole situation is wrong on more levels than I can name. But, damned if I’m not going to try.

 

Let’s first talk about the illegality of restraining patrons. I can count at least three constitutional liberties that infringes upon. I’d be God-damned if I went to Wal-Mart and was locked into the yogurt isle until the Taylor Swift song was over on the Muzak. Is this a case by case basis? What about pregnant women? Men whose wives are in labor? Vomiting? Explosive diarrhea? A business has no right to physically restrain a patron for anything less than safety reasons. Laurion wasn’t trying to stick his hand in the deep-fryer, or jump from his balcony seat, he was trying not to piss himself. Let’s not forget, also, that chaining people to their seats is a severe – what’s the phrase? – FIRE HAZARD. Jesus, the level of stupidity is mind boggling. Aside from all this, did no one think that there might be a better way to discourage distraction from the song than tackling your own patrons? That’s poor customer service, my friend. I know I’d never go to Shoe Carnival again if were assaulted by the manager and chained to one of those little benches with the mirrors.

 

I won’t invoke the whole “Freedom of Speech” thing the Lefty is so fond of quoting. I’m all for Tasering the testicles of anyone singing “God Bless my Underwear,” but there should be no harassing of anyone who decides not to participate and respectfully use the restroom. If you don’t want people to move, how about making an announcement before the seventh inning stretch asking that if people need to go, go now. That’s not hard. The height of douche-baggery is to presume that you have the right to hard someone for not liking your song. There are places where they do that. China. Iran. Pakistan.

 

Not in America. You don’t like it? Get the Hell out of my country.

Fundamentals

Well, to further cement my choice for the next leader of the free world, John McCain, Monday, said the stupidest thing a human being has muttered since “subliminable.” When addressing supporters at a town hall meeting, he claimed that “the fundamentals of our economy are strong,” ripping off the President. My reply to that is, “what the hell country are you living in?” I guess to a man who can’t remember how many houses he owns, the economy must be doing okay. To a man whose chief campaign advisor is an oil-company lobbyist, whose profits are at record highs, the economy must be really booming. To someone whose last 18 months have been paid for by donors, the economy must seem wonderful. The rest of us, however, know we’re fucked.

 

Three fifths of this nation’s lenders crumpled, Monday. That’s more than half, for those of us not so good at math. The subprime housing market is in shambles, and the Dow took a 500 point plunge. But I guess that could be a normal cycle of the free market, right? But with the U.S. Dollar reaching record lows, based solely on trust in a government whose Department of the Interior took bribes from oil companies in the form of sex and cocaine, foreign investors are set to make a killing bailing out our failed economy. Meanwhile, the government is bailing out yet another industry that is “Too Big To Let Fail.” That is a solid lump of unadulterated shit. CEOs of companies that ripped off homeowners are free to bring in their million dollar salaries, while the average American loses his home while his job is sent overseas by the Chinese company that just bought out his employer. Does this make any sense? How come the free market is left to self-regulate, and then bailed out when it’s greed catches up to it? Now taxpayers are forced to fund the very companies that sold their house on the auction block. This won’t fix our economy, it will destroy it. Add to this an entire generation of veterans coming home maimed and without means of support, fighting a civil war that costs us ten billion a month in a country with a surplus, with no hope of a return on investment. Is this another situation where I am missing a piece of the puzzle?

 

That douche-bag Brown Haired Guy Who’s Not Steve Doocy from Fox News said that “being for the soldiers, but against the mission is like being a Vikings fan and saying ‘I really don’t want them to win the Super Bowl.’” Which makes him a fucking moron. How many of my colleagues, classmates and friends have done tours in Iraq? Do I want them fighting and dying in a conflict that will bring America nothing? We stand to gain nothing from this war, and if you say, “security,” I’ll punch you in the neck. Iraq has never been a threat. Terrorists are, but we’re not fighting them. We’re making them. Whether we are succeeding or not (we are) is irrelevant. It’s like winning a poker tournament that has no prize. So we did it. All we gain is debt and death. Being for the soldiers but against the mission is like being a Vikings fan and saying, “They need to get the fuck off of Wrigley Field.” We are dumping money and lives into a foreign country so that other countries can buy us out. Sense is not being made.

 

My favorite V.P. candidate said today that she was “disappointed” by the bail-out, which is the smartest thing she’s been told to say, yet. But let’s not offer alternatives, the Democrats can do that, while we make fun of them for checking tire pressure, and then steal their ideas when we’re in office. All I hear from the McCain camp is “Change, change, change…” But no plans. No policy. Nothing at all to back up the claim that they will do anything differently. Give me something, Senator. Anything, please.

 

So what are these fundamentals? McCain, in a historical back-pedaling, claimed they were the hard-working productivity of the American people. Bullshit. Mexicans and Russians are famously hard workers with bad economies. Why? The fundamentals of their economies are unsound. We can work a hard as we want to, but unregulated business owned by foreign investors will bring America very little. What’s that? It’s a spade. Call it, Senator. And tell me how you’re going to fix it. And telling me about your experience on some sub-committee isn’t an answer. I’ve been playing guitar for ten years, and know like four chords. Gimmie some proof, sir. I guess if you judge the fundamentals of an economy as not trading goats for wives, we’re doing pretty damned good.